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my brain is so clouded with random shit. so, i'm just going to write it down so i feel less overwhelmed.
why is anemia becoming an aesthetic? social media is full of liars and attention seekers; attention whores. people will fake any disease for clicks and engagement. i'd always known that. however, what i'd noticed lately, is people so clearly faking anemia for views. as an anemic, i believe this is extremely fucked up. it's pretty obvious to know they're faking it, too, because i can distinguish iron pills from ibuprofen, you sick fucks. same for the people who fake mental illness, too. i could name many people even at my school who fake depression. there's a girl who cuts herself in class for attention, like OUT IN THE OPEN. god, i hope she gets help. fucking exhibitionists. i genuinely hope people who fake their illnesses and diseases for attention die in hell. fuck all of you.
watermelon has got to be the worst artificial flavor ever. the actual fruit is EXQUISITE. the flavor? it makes me nauseous. it doesn't taste like watermelon at all, and quite frankly, i'd rather eat a raw onion than anything watermelon flavored.
today was the first day in probably weeks i actually haven't been hungry at all, despite not eating a meal. i mean, i wouldn't say i'm starving myself, but that'd be a lie. well, any other day it would. today, i really just don't feel hungry at all. i didn't eat a sustainable meal today. i ate a little bit of stuffing (seriously like two bites, it was my brother's leftovers he was too full to eat) but that's really it besides a tiny bag of sour patch kids. honestly, if the sour patch kids weren't a day prior to expiring, i wouldn't have eaten them today. yeah, today was just odd with not being hungry.
introversion isn't as glorified as people make it out to be. yes, it means we would prefer to be alone, but sometimes being alone just makes us feel worse. sure, we hate crowds and being in public, but being alone just.. well, makes us feel lonely. though, i can't speak for every introvert, because it's different for everyone, but i'm speaking by majority. sometimes, being with people makes us feel better than being isolated. yet, we prefer being alone anywhere from 50-99% of the time. it's honestly a very odd concept, but i digress.
one thing i'm oddly good at is distracting myself and others from focusing on my mental issues. i'd love to share my tricks, but i genuinely think it came naturally. since i'd been the therapist friend since i'd HAD friends. i'd also struggled with body image and depression since school started. to be honest, i'm still being bullied by the same people as i was in 1st grade. i don't listen to them anymore. i know for a fact i'd lost weight since i was younger. now, they're honestly just dragging it for their personal pleasure. it's finally starting to die down, but i still get thrown the occasional "fatass". how i distract myself from my problems? i honestly have no idea. if i could answer that question, i would. i guess i kind of just do something else and push the thoughts and issues to the back of my head. however, doing that causes my brain to flood with the most random things, which is the reason i'm making this random entry.
nobody will ever understand my pure love and admire for music. music has been one of my very few reasons for staying alive. i don't think i'd ever lived a single day without music playing 24/7. well, maybe when i was an infant, but i'd really fallen in love with music before preschool, so, there's no way of telling.
i'm really losing my creativity because of my phone, and i don't think i'll get it back. my ability to create art in writing and drawing without any sort of reference is withering away. i feel myself starting to get back into writing without a reference, but drawing? i'm too far gone. i'm trying to limit my screen time, but it's extremely hard, given there's literally nothing to do in my town besides walk during the winter. i'd love to skateboard, but the area i skate at is always icy in the winter. i'm going to keep trying, though.
i just ate for the first time today, only because i didn't want the food my father made to go to waste. he really puts in effort when he cooks, and i admire it. i'd feel to bad to not eat something he made JUST for me.
my birthday is in 4 days. honestly, i'm not even a bit excited for it. the more birthdays i have, the older i become. i'm not ready to give up my childhood years yet. i want to be young forever. birthdays are fun in the moment, but when they're over, i realize my life is just descending with every one passed. and, it makes me wonder, am i actually even living my life? i feel like i'm just existing. i mean, i spend most days in my room or in my town. i don't go anywhere besides the 4 vacations i get a year; which i'm VERY grateful for. i love every vacation i go on, no matter how local they are. travelling is just one of my favorite things, and before i die, i want to travel the entire world. i want to visit every country, every state, and hopefully every city. that's how i want to spend my life.
well, if i continue on, i'll have nothing else to dwell upon in my head, so i'll stop here. i reckon there will be more entries tonight.
why is anemia becoming an aesthetic? social media is full of liars and attention seekers; attention whores. people will fake any disease for clicks and engagement. i'd always known that. however, what i'd noticed lately, is people so clearly faking anemia for views. as an anemic, i believe this is extremely fucked up. it's pretty obvious to know they're faking it, too, because i can distinguish iron pills from ibuprofen, you sick fucks. same for the people who fake mental illness, too. i could name many people even at my school who fake depression. there's a girl who cuts herself in class for attention, like OUT IN THE OPEN. god, i hope she gets help. fucking exhibitionists. i genuinely hope people who fake their illnesses and diseases for attention die in hell. fuck all of you.
watermelon has got to be the worst artificial flavor ever. the actual fruit is EXQUISITE. the flavor? it makes me nauseous. it doesn't taste like watermelon at all, and quite frankly, i'd rather eat a raw onion than anything watermelon flavored.
today was the first day in probably weeks i actually haven't been hungry at all, despite not eating a meal. i mean, i wouldn't say i'm starving myself, but that'd be a lie. well, any other day it would. today, i really just don't feel hungry at all. i didn't eat a sustainable meal today. i ate a little bit of stuffing (seriously like two bites, it was my brother's leftovers he was too full to eat) but that's really it besides a tiny bag of sour patch kids. honestly, if the sour patch kids weren't a day prior to expiring, i wouldn't have eaten them today. yeah, today was just odd with not being hungry.
introversion isn't as glorified as people make it out to be. yes, it means we would prefer to be alone, but sometimes being alone just makes us feel worse. sure, we hate crowds and being in public, but being alone just.. well, makes us feel lonely. though, i can't speak for every introvert, because it's different for everyone, but i'm speaking by majority. sometimes, being with people makes us feel better than being isolated. yet, we prefer being alone anywhere from 50-99% of the time. it's honestly a very odd concept, but i digress.
one thing i'm oddly good at is distracting myself and others from focusing on my mental issues. i'd love to share my tricks, but i genuinely think it came naturally. since i'd been the therapist friend since i'd HAD friends. i'd also struggled with body image and depression since school started. to be honest, i'm still being bullied by the same people as i was in 1st grade. i don't listen to them anymore. i know for a fact i'd lost weight since i was younger. now, they're honestly just dragging it for their personal pleasure. it's finally starting to die down, but i still get thrown the occasional "fatass". how i distract myself from my problems? i honestly have no idea. if i could answer that question, i would. i guess i kind of just do something else and push the thoughts and issues to the back of my head. however, doing that causes my brain to flood with the most random things, which is the reason i'm making this random entry.
nobody will ever understand my pure love and admire for music. music has been one of my very few reasons for staying alive. i don't think i'd ever lived a single day without music playing 24/7. well, maybe when i was an infant, but i'd really fallen in love with music before preschool, so, there's no way of telling.
i'm really losing my creativity because of my phone, and i don't think i'll get it back. my ability to create art in writing and drawing without any sort of reference is withering away. i feel myself starting to get back into writing without a reference, but drawing? i'm too far gone. i'm trying to limit my screen time, but it's extremely hard, given there's literally nothing to do in my town besides walk during the winter. i'd love to skateboard, but the area i skate at is always icy in the winter. i'm going to keep trying, though.
i just ate for the first time today, only because i didn't want the food my father made to go to waste. he really puts in effort when he cooks, and i admire it. i'd feel to bad to not eat something he made JUST for me.
my birthday is in 4 days. honestly, i'm not even a bit excited for it. the more birthdays i have, the older i become. i'm not ready to give up my childhood years yet. i want to be young forever. birthdays are fun in the moment, but when they're over, i realize my life is just descending with every one passed. and, it makes me wonder, am i actually even living my life? i feel like i'm just existing. i mean, i spend most days in my room or in my town. i don't go anywhere besides the 4 vacations i get a year; which i'm VERY grateful for. i love every vacation i go on, no matter how local they are. travelling is just one of my favorite things, and before i die, i want to travel the entire world. i want to visit every country, every state, and hopefully every city. that's how i want to spend my life.
well, if i continue on, i'll have nothing else to dwell upon in my head, so i'll stop here. i reckon there will be more entries tonight.
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