phoenix’s diary

ares, i miss you so fucking much.
every day since you'd been gone, i'd thought about you. i think about you before every decision i make, before everything i say, and everything i do. living without you has been one of the most difficult things to do. sometimes, i forget you're not here. y'know, i still call your phone every day, hoping one day you'll pick up the phone once more. i'm so fucking sorry i let you down. you always told me it wasn't my fault you were hurt, but i know i contributed, since i didn't help one bit. i'm so fucking sorry all i did was talk to you and exist in your presence, even if it was online. i blame myself for losing you. all the time. when i got that text, my knees gave out and i fell to the floor. i couldn't even cry for maybe an hour because i was in denial. i still can't bring myself to accept you're gone. every day, i wonder if maybe you're simply missing. roaming free in the streets of bremen or cologne. maybe you finally bought that desired flight to japan. oh, you loved japan. i still listen to your playlists, and OUR playlists, like we made them yesterday. sometimes, i wonder what you'd look like now. i know i'd changed since i last saw you. y'know, if i knew that was the last time i'd ever talk to you, i would've said a lot more. i wish i could've stopped you, and i'm so sorry i couldn't. it's my fault you're gone. i should've stopped you. y'know, alex told me you kept every card i'd given you. that's very sweet of you. you always understood me in ways nobody else could. you were the one person who i just feel so naturally drawn to, despite not being romantically interested in you. you always knew how to respond, and you always knew what to say when i'd ask for advice. you were very smart. i really miss your advice. i really miss you. you told me in your letter i was the most beautiful girl ever. honestly, i don't feel beautiful right now, ares. but, you always knew how to make me feel beautiful. you were one of the only people to ever get me to believe i was beautiful. since you'd been gone, i'd gotten uglier. i'm sorry. i'm sorry i can't be your "schönes mädchen" anymore. look, i found out how to get accent marks on my computer! sorry. anyway, i'm sorry to be ugly, ares. i feel like losing you altered something in my looks, or maybe in how i see myself. i know that's not what you'd want at all. and i'm so sorry. i just can't ever find what you'd shown me again. not without you. ares, i'm on my last straw. if i fuck up again, it's over. it's not that i'd given up, but simply i can't get through, or just merely push past things without you. i'm still drowning in the same problems i lost myself in when you were gone. i have to admit, having a boyfriend as great as the one i have currently is helping me so much, but you just always knew what to do. unfortunately, i'll never find anyone like you. nobody is as gifted with understanding as you were. you were a beautiful soul. so divine and grandeur. your personality is unmatched by anyone. you were so selfless, always putting everyone else before yourself, and you never hated anyone. i really admire that about you. you had no enemies, and found good in anyone. sure, you heavily disliked people, but you NEVER said you hated anyone. i really liked that about you. i aspire to be as caring as you were. y'know, you were also SO respectful. especially towards women. that's something i really enjoyed about you. you never brought anything sensitive up, and always asked for permission to talk about things you knew triggered me when you spoke about your experiences. i loved that. i loved how much you cared about my boundaries. when i talked to you; even about the dumbest interests of mine, i could tell you were truly interested. i really miss that. ares, i miss you so much. i pray every day you'll answer the phone. sometimes, i still see you. i see you in my dreams. we go on so many adventures together. in my bad dreams, i don't see you. that's because no matter how hard i try, i can't relate you to anything bad. you were the epitome of all things good. i really miss you. every day. nobody will ever understand how perfect you were. i'll never find anyone like you. i love you, ares.

no, not my boyfriend. my ex.
i dont hate hate him, but looking back, i hate the way he treated me. sure, he was tons better than all my previous relationships, but i realize he treated me bad, sorta?
i remember being called a hoe multiple times, and when id vent to him, he’d brush it off. what the actual fuck?? i get he doesn’t do emotional shit, but he could’ve atleast acknowledged my fucking feelings. I understand depression changes people, but let’s face it. it’s IRONIC how he can have depression but not have emotions. how does that work? i have depression, and don’t get me wrong, i feel empty a lot, but that’s still a feeling- it’s the feeling of feeling drained or wrung out. he says it like he’s just emotionless. i don’t get it.
he’d also make jokes about women. i didn’t really care, but it kinda pissed me off. there’s so much I could’ve said about him, but i kept my mouth shut, like a decent fucking human would do. there were more pros then cons about him, but there were an abundance of fucking cons. I feel like i was more attached to him than any of my other boyfriends, which is the part that scares me the most. i, to this day, still have no clue why i was so attached to him. i mean, I could barely even gain the balls to break up with him, which im glad i did. i had to get out of the misogynistic shit hole that was my ex. okay, im being dramatic, but he was misogynistic sometimes. i hate dwelling on the past, since i could care less about it, but as i review that relationship, i realize it was fucking embarrassing. the things he’d say to me were humiliating. if im being honest, im glad i kept most of my shit to myself. i trusted him a lot, but there were some things that i decided to keep to myself since i can’t fully trust anyone, except for my “sister” (my closest friend).
even my sister agrees that it was a good thing i broke up with him, and she says she notices im a lot happier. don’t know what it is, but in that relationship, i was also struggling with a deep bout of depression, and it fucking sucked having a boyfriend like him during that. im being very dramatic about this entire thing, but to be real, he needs to learn to respect himself, his parents, and fucking women. I’d never say this to his face because im not a bitch, but he was so fucking immature. im just glad to be out of it, and i never want to go back. this past year was absolute hell, yet fucking heaven.

i hate starting stories off this way, but fuck it.
it all started in july 2023.
me and ares were on call. we were probably talking about stupid shit; the government, our fuckass fake friends, or ourselves (or music). then, I heard him repeating these two words: ‘ethereal storm’. i know, some sob story, huh? but it really wasn’t. a couple days before this call, i told him about a dream id had. in my dream, there was a thunderstorm, but it was magical. it almost looked like an orb in the middle of the sky, like a purple sun, if you will. it had rings around it like saturn, in the color royal blue. it was beautiful. i said it was ethereal and grandeur. it truly was gorgeous, and such a great dream. that wasn’t all to the dream, but i can’t recall anything else from it. just that ethereal storm. so, when he said ‘ethereal storm’, i knew exactly what he meant by it, and i smiled. i smiled like never before. i only then realized that ares was always the type to remember things id tell him. he always cared, and ill never forget that. ill always look for him in other people. anyway, i smiled about this for a couple days, and we called again the next week. he said ethereal storm was just a catchy saying, and it should turn into something. he didn’t say anything in particular, but i knew what he was thinking; a band. and thus, the idea (not the band) was created. it never went beyond that, until november 2024. i was looking back at our old texts from when he was here, and i remembered it. i cried for hours, and hours, thinking of how terrible i felt for forgetting about the idea since it mattered so much to me. i called my best friend, alex, and we talked. we both played instruments that a band would need, but we still needed a drummer. she said “my cousin can play drums”. and my face light up. we were finally able to make ares’ dream come true. in his honor. then, ethereal storm was born.

im in a “relationship” with a guy right now, its unofficial so it doesn’t really count as a relationship, we’re just trying things out. I don’t think it’s going to last another day, we’re both not the type to do a long distance relationship, and since he lives on the other side of the world, we obviously have different time zones, too. I don’t know. im not even over the relationship I got out of almost a month ago, and I was the one who ended it. im such an imbecile. if ares was still here, he’d give me perfect advice. oh, god. why’d you take him from me? he’s the only person I need right now, and he’s gone. anyway, that was off track a little.. I feel so fucking guilty and angry with myself it’s not even funny. do I know what made the gears in my brain say “OOP, let’s break up with him” no. but do I kinda feel like it was the right thing to do? not really. i did it because we were both struggling with mental shit (still are, obviously) and I felt like I was too much for him. it’s nowhere near his fault, it’s all on me. he treated me the best out of everyone I’ve had before, and I couldn’t treat him with the same, I couldn’t love him the same way he loved me, not that I didn’t love him because, man, I really loved him.. and I kinda still do, but idk. maybe it’ll work in the future, but at this rate, I don’t think I want to date anymore. fuck teenage love, fuck life, and especially fuck trust.

I took time to rewrite my story. I decided to restart, to get out of my relationship to focus on myself, though I still love him a lot. I decided to change my workout routine, to practice smiling, and to focus on studies and music. I’m giving life one more chance. I do admit, if I wasn’t so cowardly, I would have ended it already, but my soft ass always thinks about my friends as I’m attempting. I don’t think it would have been too bad if I just did it, but I’m glad I chose not to. I’m glad I’m giving life its last chance.