phoenix’s diary

derealization has been very present in my life. however, recently, it's gotten so bad, i can hardly get up in the morning without feeling surreal. sometimes, i just don't feel real at all. everything feels like a fever dream. could this feeling possibly be getting worse because of my hallucinations and anemia? probably. to be candid, i haven't been taking my iron as much as i need to. i'd only taken it twice since i got my new bottle. i mean, i forget to take them sometimes, but, honestly, most days, i just don't feel like taking them. i kind of enjoy the feeling of fainting. it gives me an excuse to distance myself from the world. that's how i like it. what i don't like about it is the fact i can hardly get up from my bed because i know i'll faint. this morning, it took me nearly ten minutes to stand up without collapsing. i know, it's not a great thing to admit, but i really don't want to take my iron. i'd kinda stopped taking all of my medication, and i can feel it slowly making me go insane. oh, and on top of all this, my hallucinations are even worse. now, the images haven't gotten too much worse, but they're more frequent. they've also evolved to being concurrent; i see multiple things at once sometimes. god, i really don't feel real. everything around me looks like it's from the eyes of a dream. it could very well be my eyes playing tricks on me, though.

i'd taken a nap earlier to run away from my problems, and the things i saw were.. odd, to say the least. when i say i saw things, i don't mean i dreamt, more like i was having visions. for one moment, i saw someone clawing their way out of a coffin, then i saw two people kissing, but the girl looked like she had thorns wrapped around her neck, stabbing her skin with blood slowly seeping out. what bothers me the most about that one is the girl appeared to be someone who had previously tried to steal my boyfriend from me. i couldn't see the guys face, though. i assume maybe it was her boyfriend, which i'd found out the name of earlier today. she's now dating a guy i was REALLY close with in 6th grade. though, he was expelled from school at the end of 6th grade for a year. haven't seen him since. i find it crazy he hasn't come back yet, honestly.

those were the only things i remember seeing while i slept. i mean, i'd only slept maybe an hour. just, i can't help but think the boy i saw kissing that girl (let's call her stella) was my boyfriend. i know he's loyal, but the trust issues i have are making me kind of dwell on the thought. however, i know he wouldn't cheat on me. he's not like the others. about the person clawing their way from the coffin? no idea who that was. i believe that was some sort of subtle reference to a different topic. i don't know. i have no idea what's been going on with me lately. maybe i should take my meds.

my brain is so clouded with random shit. so, i'm just going to write it down so i feel less overwhelmed.

why is anemia becoming an aesthetic? social media is full of liars and attention seekers; attention whores. people will fake any disease for clicks and engagement. i'd always known that. however, what i'd noticed lately, is people so clearly faking anemia for views. as an anemic, i believe this is extremely fucked up. it's pretty obvious to know they're faking it, too, because i can distinguish iron pills from ibuprofen, you sick fucks. same for the people who fake mental illness, too. i could name many people even at my school who fake depression. there's a girl who cuts herself in class for attention, like OUT IN THE OPEN. god, i hope she gets help. fucking exhibitionists. i genuinely hope people who fake their illnesses and diseases for attention die in hell. fuck all of you.

watermelon has got to be the worst artificial flavor ever. the actual fruit is EXQUISITE. the flavor? it makes me nauseous. it doesn't taste like watermelon at all, and quite frankly, i'd rather eat a raw onion than anything watermelon flavored.

today was the first day in probably weeks i actually haven't been hungry at all, despite not eating a meal. i mean, i wouldn't say i'm starving myself, but that'd be a lie. well, any other day it would. today, i really just don't feel hungry at all. i didn't eat a sustainable meal today. i ate a little bit of stuffing (seriously like two bites, it was my brother's leftovers he was too full to eat) but that's really it besides a tiny bag of sour patch kids. honestly, if the sour patch kids weren't a day prior to expiring, i wouldn't have eaten them today. yeah, today was just odd with not being hungry.

introversion isn't as glorified as people make it out to be. yes, it means we would prefer to be alone, but sometimes being alone just makes us feel worse. sure, we hate crowds and being in public, but being alone just.. well, makes us feel lonely. though, i can't speak for every introvert, because it's different for everyone, but i'm speaking by majority. sometimes, being with people makes us feel better than being isolated. yet, we prefer being alone anywhere from 50-99% of the time. it's honestly a very odd concept, but i digress.

one thing i'm oddly good at is distracting myself and others from focusing on my mental issues. i'd love to share my tricks, but i genuinely think it came naturally. since i'd been the therapist friend since i'd HAD friends. i'd also struggled with body image and depression since school started. to be honest, i'm still being bullied by the same people as i was in 1st grade. i don't listen to them anymore. i know for a fact i'd lost weight since i was younger. now, they're honestly just dragging it for their personal pleasure. it's finally starting to die down, but i still get thrown the occasional "fatass". how i distract myself from my problems? i honestly have no idea. if i could answer that question, i would. i guess i kind of just do something else and push the thoughts and issues to the back of my head. however, doing that causes my brain to flood with the most random things, which is the reason i'm making this random entry.

nobody will ever understand my pure love and admire for music. music has been one of my very few reasons for staying alive. i don't think i'd ever lived a single day without music playing 24/7. well, maybe when i was an infant, but i'd really fallen in love with music before preschool, so, there's no way of telling.

i'm really losing my creativity because of my phone, and i don't think i'll get it back. my ability to create art in writing and drawing without any sort of reference is withering away. i feel myself starting to get back into writing without a reference, but drawing? i'm too far gone. i'm trying to limit my screen time, but it's extremely hard, given there's literally nothing to do in my town besides walk during the winter. i'd love to skateboard, but the area i skate at is always icy in the winter. i'm going to keep trying, though.

i just ate for the first time today, only because i didn't want the food my father made to go to waste. he really puts in effort when he cooks, and i admire it. i'd feel to bad to not eat something he made JUST for me.

my birthday is in 4 days. honestly, i'm not even a bit excited for it. the more birthdays i have, the older i become. i'm not ready to give up my childhood years yet. i want to be young forever. birthdays are fun in the moment, but when they're over, i realize my life is just descending with every one passed. and, it makes me wonder, am i actually even living my life? i feel like i'm just existing. i mean, i spend most days in my room or in my town. i don't go anywhere besides the 4 vacations i get a year; which i'm VERY grateful for. i love every vacation i go on, no matter how local they are. travelling is just one of my favorite things, and before i die, i want to travel the entire world. i want to visit every country, every state, and hopefully every city. that's how i want to spend my life.

well, if i continue on, i'll have nothing else to dwell upon in my head, so i'll stop here. i reckon there will be more entries tonight.

the only truth that makes me sick is i'm always going to be the fat friend.
the worst part about this is; i'm not even that fat. i just constantly get made fun of for being slightly overweight. now, i'd lost a lot of weight since childhood, but i'm still fat.

everything's worse now, too, because since i have an eating disorder, every bite of food makes me bloated. honestly, not eating feels horrible, but it makes me look so good. in this case, i'd rather sacrifice health for looks.

i wish i could look like my friends.

one of these days i know i'm going to just stop eating. i can't handle eating food. it makes my stomach ache to even look at food. i hate it. the hunger is unbearable, but even that is better than eating it.

yes, eating fills the void of hunger, but it fills the void to a point where it becomes overwhelming. even the slightest bit of food makes me feel like i'd eaten too much, and it's absolutely revolting. i'd much rather die of hunger then feel what i feel every time i eat now.

honestly, i just want to feel pretty.

i'd been having quite odd dreams lately.
though the thoughts had quieted down, the nightmares and sleep paralysis has grown to what seems as full potential

i mean, it surely can't get worse than this, right?

four nights ago, a pudgy man was stabbing me to death, and out of nowhere, his head exploded.
three nights ago, i was being followed by what seemed like a frail little girl. she was nothing but skin and bone. nothing traumatic, just made me slightly uneasy.

the nightmare that really caught my attention, and the most vivid one still, is the one from two nights ago. i was chained down as the room began to fill up with water. i'd felt pretty calm at that point. i'd kinda just accepted i was going to die, but then the water just spilled away and moments later i felt something standing over me, and it slowly moved to where it was sort of sitting on me. it covered my mouth as i tried to scream, and my body felt paralyzed. this was the first sleep paralysis i'd had since maybe august, and one of the worst. as the figure sat on me, a pair of hands came down from above me, and held my eyes open as the figure on top of me began to slowly move knives towards my eyes. when i was finally able to move, i ran out the room, and there i was, at my bed again. it was at this moment i'd realized it wasn't real.

when i woke up, my entire body was trembling, my throat was unbelievably dry, and my eyes were burning. i still felt paralyzed, as if my body was attaching itself to my bed. i dont know. everything that morning felt surreal.

getting ready for school, my movements felt impulsive. i was just doing. i wasn't thinking. my body still felt wet and covered in water, and i felt like i was still drowning. i felt like i could have passed out at any moment, and i'd go on to feel the same the entire day; dissociated, confused, and utterly unnerved.

i continue to see things. apparitions, if you will. though, they don't look like ghosts or anything supernatural. they look unmistakably real, capturing the same essence as a human. though, i not only see people, i see animals, too. and fire, and pretty much anything else.
these visions don't feel like a dream, nor do they feel surreal in any way. it's quite difficult to explain. i see them, with two eyes or in my peripheral vision, and then another second, they're gone. completely gone.
it's exacerbated so much over the past few days, and today i saw a corpse..
what the hell is wrong with me?
i attempted to walk up to the corpse so i could identify the very intense sight, and then it was gone. the thing is, i can remember what it looked like. it was fresh, clearly.. blood still seeping from the wounds.. the wounds, they were definitely knife wounds.. i remember marks on the neck, too.. but nothing else, really.. the image is becoming foggier every minute.
i'm deeply unsettled with the sight, and i wonder if maybe its depicting something ominous.. something foreboding, and, i admit, i'm horrified. i've never been so scared in my life. i've always loved gore, but seeing a sight so real makes me sick. though, this hallucination was off, and not only because it was a corpse, but i swear i could smell it. fuck, i want to scream. im traumatized, honestly. i worry i will see something worse. god, help me please. make these hallucinations stop..

I built up enough courage to finally un-add my ex, and to be honest, I’ve never felt so free yet so regretful. No, I didn’t block him. Deep down, I hope I can someday regain a decent friendship with him. He’s just changed since I met him, and a part of me believes it’s my fault. I’ve never felt like I belong anywhere, and only recently began to find myself. I wasn’t anywhere close to being “okay” while I dated him, which most likely left an impact on his mental health. I un-added him because I’m guilty of ruining him, and drowning him in myself. I’ll never forgive myself for being so selfish and inconsiderate the past year and a half. But, now that I’m healing, I realize that not having him in my life would be better for the both of us, atleast for now. I want to focus on making up to myself before I consider making up to him. I hope he becomes his best self, and fulfills his dreams, even if that is without me in his life.

i just can’t stop thinking about horrible things. it has completely taken over my headspace. it’s made me into a complete wreck, and i can’t dig myself out of this hole.
these things aren’t normal, either. god, every time i see my boyfriend, my mind immediately goes to physical affection. i long for it. every time he merely brushes my arm, it sends a shiver down my spine, and oh, the way he looks at me, it makes me a fool. ive never been so obsessed with a boy to the point he can ruin my masking of feelings. he destroys me, but in a good way? and the worst part is, i let it happen. i don’t hide it behind a wall of nonchalance anymore. it’s like my body doesn’t agree that i should be hiding my feelings. holy shit, my mind is the puppet he controls. i mean, how can i not obsess over him? he is the epicenter of all things beautiful. ah, i lose my shit over him. this shouldn’t be happening, i don’t want to fall into an inescapable pit of obsession. i can’t let it happen, but im afraid it already is, it’s happening in real time.
when I wake up, the first thing I think of is him. before i fall asleep, the last thought is him. the only thing i end up thinking of throughout each day is him. he hoards my mind. my mind is horrible, it shows me mental pictures of us in vile situations… and i push the thoughts out before they become reality, but they make me feel so flustered. every time im with him, i slur my words, my heart pounds, and my arms shake. and when he does the triangle method, god.. i fold. he does shit to my mind. my eejit mind.

spring used to be packed with the most enthralling of things; flowers blooming, grass getting greener, skies clearing, and temperature rising. this time around, we have anything but cheerful sunshine. it rains every single day and storms almost every night. I can’t even carp because I enjoy thunderstorms and rain, but when it comes down to it raining every single day, and night, it becomes maddening. don’t get me wrong, we’ve had some pretty decent days, but it’s only a fraction of them that are genuinely good in terms of weather. it would be really nice to have a day where I can sit on my roof in shorts and a tank top, reading my book or watching anime and drinking ice cold water, but I can’t even get that? Mother Nature, do your fucking job. sorry, but im extremely sick of being cold. i guess this is what i deserve for praying that it would rain and storm all winter long. just my luck.
it could be a lot worse, and im being very dramatic about the weather, but id sell my kidney for a couple sunny days, and then one or two days that it storms AT NIGHT and has on and off showers during the day. that sounds like good weather in my eyes. it doesn’t sound that reasonable right now, but think about it, having 4-6/7 days being sunny and the 1 or 2 other days being rainy sounds like a deal. therefore, it wouldn’t be a drought, but wouldn’t have grounds wet all the time. I think it’s a pretty fair trade.

i hate starting stories off this way, but fuck it.
it all started in july 2023.
me and ares were on call. we were probably talking about stupid shit; the government, our fuckass fake friends, or ourselves (or music). then, I heard him repeating these two words: ‘ethereal storm’. i know, some sob story, huh? but it really wasn’t. a couple days before this call, i told him about a dream id had. in my dream, there was a thunderstorm, but it was magical. it almost looked like an orb in the middle of the sky, like a purple sun, if you will. it had rings around it like saturn, in the color royal blue. it was beautiful. i said it was ethereal and grandeur. it truly was gorgeous, and such a great dream. that wasn’t all to the dream, but i can’t recall anything else from it. just that ethereal storm. so, when he said ‘ethereal storm’, i knew exactly what he meant by it, and i smiled. i smiled like never before. i only then realized that ares was always the type to remember things id tell him. he always cared, and ill never forget that. ill always look for him in other people. anyway, i smiled about this for a couple days, and we called again the next week. he said ethereal storm was just a catchy saying, and it should turn into something. he didn’t say anything in particular, but i knew what he was thinking; a band. and thus, the idea (not the band) was created. it never went beyond that, until november 2024. i was looking back at our old texts from when he was here, and i remembered it. i cried for hours, and hours, thinking of how terrible i felt for forgetting about the idea since it mattered so much to me. i called my best friend, alex, and we talked. we both played instruments that a band would need, but we still needed a drummer. she said “my cousin can play drums”. and my face light up. we were finally able to make ares’ dream come true. in his honor. then, ethereal storm was born.