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the thought of genuinely craving intimacy solely for the pleasure absolutely disgusts me. don't get me wrong, i used to lust over things, but getting over that addiction had lead me to realize and figure out things about myself that i'd never known.
after my sa happened, i'd fallen into a severe state of hyper sexuality, and at times, i'd have lustful thoughts about my own friends and even someone in my family. i didn't like these thoughts even one bit, in fact, i despised them. however, they didn't go away. no matter how hard i tried to push these thoughts out, they continued to come in. after working on myself for months, restricting even my use on my phone to rid any source of ai bots or videos to worsen the thoughts, i'm better. i haven't had any real thoughts about people i'm close with.
though, by getting rid of these thoughts and feelings, it'd caused my unmistakable hatred for lust in general. yes, i joke about "getting freaky" with my friends, but it is JUST jokes. to be candid, i say i think about intimacy all the time, but the truth is; i actually only think about innocent love. there are times, i admit, that i think of doing some non- innocent things, but it's not on my mind nearly as much as i make it out to be.
i wouldn't say i'm uncomfortable by my close friends and family making VAGUE perverted and lustful comments, but i AM uncomfortable when they go into detail. i hate to give examples, but i feel as if my words are ambiguous. so, for example, if someone says "i could fuck (partner name) right now" i wouldn't feel uncomfortable by it, depending on who they're referring to. but if someone says "oh my god, i could bend her over and...(you get it)" yes, i'd be uncomfortable. it's all about the details.
i can also admit i do read smut books, but honestly, that's a different story in my book. (pun unintended)
honestly, what i'd been trying to say this whole time is i hate my past self for lusting, and i hate the idea of genuine lust now. i hate the feeling of being horny, and i am terrified of being sexually intimate.
after my sa happened, i'd fallen into a severe state of hyper sexuality, and at times, i'd have lustful thoughts about my own friends and even someone in my family. i didn't like these thoughts even one bit, in fact, i despised them. however, they didn't go away. no matter how hard i tried to push these thoughts out, they continued to come in. after working on myself for months, restricting even my use on my phone to rid any source of ai bots or videos to worsen the thoughts, i'm better. i haven't had any real thoughts about people i'm close with.
though, by getting rid of these thoughts and feelings, it'd caused my unmistakable hatred for lust in general. yes, i joke about "getting freaky" with my friends, but it is JUST jokes. to be candid, i say i think about intimacy all the time, but the truth is; i actually only think about innocent love. there are times, i admit, that i think of doing some non- innocent things, but it's not on my mind nearly as much as i make it out to be.
i wouldn't say i'm uncomfortable by my close friends and family making VAGUE perverted and lustful comments, but i AM uncomfortable when they go into detail. i hate to give examples, but i feel as if my words are ambiguous. so, for example, if someone says "i could fuck (partner name) right now" i wouldn't feel uncomfortable by it, depending on who they're referring to. but if someone says "oh my god, i could bend her over and...(you get it)" yes, i'd be uncomfortable. it's all about the details.
i can also admit i do read smut books, but honestly, that's a different story in my book. (pun unintended)
honestly, what i'd been trying to say this whole time is i hate my past self for lusting, and i hate the idea of genuine lust now. i hate the feeling of being horny, and i am terrified of being sexually intimate.
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