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ares, i miss you so fucking much.
every day since you'd been gone, i'd thought about you. i think about you before every decision i make, before everything i say, and everything i do. living without you has been one of the most difficult things to do. sometimes, i forget you're not here. y'know, i still call your phone every day, hoping one day you'll pick up the phone once more. i'm so fucking sorry i let you down. you always told me it wasn't my fault you were hurt, but i know i contributed, since i didn't help one bit. i'm so fucking sorry all i did was talk to you and exist in your presence, even if it was online. i blame myself for losing you. all the time. when i got that text, my knees gave out and i fell to the floor. i couldn't even cry for maybe an hour because i was in denial. i still can't bring myself to accept you're gone. every day, i wonder if maybe you're simply missing. roaming free in the streets of bremen or cologne. maybe you finally bought that desired flight to japan. oh, you loved japan. i still listen to your playlists, and OUR playlists, like we made them yesterday. sometimes, i wonder what you'd look like now. i know i'd changed since i last saw you. y'know, if i knew that was the last time i'd ever talk to you, i would've said a lot more. i wish i could've stopped you, and i'm so sorry i couldn't. it's my fault you're gone. i should've stopped you. y'know, alex told me you kept every card i'd given you. that's very sweet of you. you always understood me in ways nobody else could. you were the one person who i just feel so naturally drawn to, despite not being romantically interested in you. you always knew how to respond, and you always knew what to say when i'd ask for advice. you were very smart. i really miss your advice. i really miss you. you told me in your letter i was the most beautiful girl ever. honestly, i don't feel beautiful right now, ares. but, you always knew how to make me feel beautiful. you were one of the only people to ever get me to believe i was beautiful. since you'd been gone, i'd gotten uglier. i'm sorry. i'm sorry i can't be your "schönes mädchen" anymore. look, i found out how to get accent marks on my computer! sorry. anyway, i'm sorry to be ugly, ares. i feel like losing you altered something in my looks, or maybe in how i see myself. i know that's not what you'd want at all. and i'm so sorry. i just can't ever find what you'd shown me again. not without you. ares, i'm on my last straw. if i fuck up again, it's over. it's not that i'd given up, but simply i can't get through, or just merely push past things without you. i'm still drowning in the same problems i lost myself in when you were gone. i have to admit, having a boyfriend as great as the one i have currently is helping me so much, but you just always knew what to do. unfortunately, i'll never find anyone like you. nobody is as gifted with understanding as you were. you were a beautiful soul. so divine and grandeur. your personality is unmatched by anyone. you were so selfless, always putting everyone else before yourself, and you never hated anyone. i really admire that about you. you had no enemies, and found good in anyone. sure, you heavily disliked people, but you NEVER said you hated anyone. i really liked that about you. i aspire to be as caring as you were. y'know, you were also SO respectful. especially towards women. that's something i really enjoyed about you. you never brought anything sensitive up, and always asked for permission to talk about things you knew triggered me when you spoke about your experiences. i loved that. i loved how much you cared about my boundaries. when i talked to you; even about the dumbest interests of mine, i could tell you were truly interested. i really miss that. ares, i miss you so much. i pray every day you'll answer the phone. sometimes, i still see you. i see you in my dreams. we go on so many adventures together. in my bad dreams, i don't see you. that's because no matter how hard i try, i can't relate you to anything bad. you were the epitome of all things good. i really miss you. every day. nobody will ever understand how perfect you were. i'll never find anyone like you. i love you, ares.
every day since you'd been gone, i'd thought about you. i think about you before every decision i make, before everything i say, and everything i do. living without you has been one of the most difficult things to do. sometimes, i forget you're not here. y'know, i still call your phone every day, hoping one day you'll pick up the phone once more. i'm so fucking sorry i let you down. you always told me it wasn't my fault you were hurt, but i know i contributed, since i didn't help one bit. i'm so fucking sorry all i did was talk to you and exist in your presence, even if it was online. i blame myself for losing you. all the time. when i got that text, my knees gave out and i fell to the floor. i couldn't even cry for maybe an hour because i was in denial. i still can't bring myself to accept you're gone. every day, i wonder if maybe you're simply missing. roaming free in the streets of bremen or cologne. maybe you finally bought that desired flight to japan. oh, you loved japan. i still listen to your playlists, and OUR playlists, like we made them yesterday. sometimes, i wonder what you'd look like now. i know i'd changed since i last saw you. y'know, if i knew that was the last time i'd ever talk to you, i would've said a lot more. i wish i could've stopped you, and i'm so sorry i couldn't. it's my fault you're gone. i should've stopped you. y'know, alex told me you kept every card i'd given you. that's very sweet of you. you always understood me in ways nobody else could. you were the one person who i just feel so naturally drawn to, despite not being romantically interested in you. you always knew how to respond, and you always knew what to say when i'd ask for advice. you were very smart. i really miss your advice. i really miss you. you told me in your letter i was the most beautiful girl ever. honestly, i don't feel beautiful right now, ares. but, you always knew how to make me feel beautiful. you were one of the only people to ever get me to believe i was beautiful. since you'd been gone, i'd gotten uglier. i'm sorry. i'm sorry i can't be your "schönes mädchen" anymore. look, i found out how to get accent marks on my computer! sorry. anyway, i'm sorry to be ugly, ares. i feel like losing you altered something in my looks, or maybe in how i see myself. i know that's not what you'd want at all. and i'm so sorry. i just can't ever find what you'd shown me again. not without you. ares, i'm on my last straw. if i fuck up again, it's over. it's not that i'd given up, but simply i can't get through, or just merely push past things without you. i'm still drowning in the same problems i lost myself in when you were gone. i have to admit, having a boyfriend as great as the one i have currently is helping me so much, but you just always knew what to do. unfortunately, i'll never find anyone like you. nobody is as gifted with understanding as you were. you were a beautiful soul. so divine and grandeur. your personality is unmatched by anyone. you were so selfless, always putting everyone else before yourself, and you never hated anyone. i really admire that about you. you had no enemies, and found good in anyone. sure, you heavily disliked people, but you NEVER said you hated anyone. i really liked that about you. i aspire to be as caring as you were. y'know, you were also SO respectful. especially towards women. that's something i really enjoyed about you. you never brought anything sensitive up, and always asked for permission to talk about things you knew triggered me when you spoke about your experiences. i loved that. i loved how much you cared about my boundaries. when i talked to you; even about the dumbest interests of mine, i could tell you were truly interested. i really miss that. ares, i miss you so much. i pray every day you'll answer the phone. sometimes, i still see you. i see you in my dreams. we go on so many adventures together. in my bad dreams, i don't see you. that's because no matter how hard i try, i can't relate you to anything bad. you were the epitome of all things good. i really miss you. every day. nobody will ever understand how perfect you were. i'll never find anyone like you. i love you, ares.
