phoenix’s diary

i just can’t stop thinking about horrible things. it has completely taken over my headspace. it’s made me into a complete wreck, and i can’t dig myself out of this hole.
these things aren’t normal, either. god, every time i see my boyfriend, my mind immediately goes to physical affection. i long for it. every time he merely brushes my arm, it sends a shiver down my spine, and oh, the way he looks at me, it makes me a fool. ive never been so obsessed with a boy to the point he can ruin my masking of feelings. he destroys me, but in a good way? and the worst part is, i let it happen. i don’t hide it behind a wall of nonchalance anymore. it’s like my body doesn’t agree that i should be hiding my feelings. holy shit, my mind is the puppet he controls. i mean, how can i not obsess over him? he is the epicenter of all things beautiful. ah, i lose my shit over him. this shouldn’t be happening, i don’t want to fall into an inescapable pit of obsession. i can’t let it happen, but im afraid it already is, it’s happening in real time.
when I wake up, the first thing I think of is him. before i fall asleep, the last thought is him. the only thing i end up thinking of throughout each day is him. he hoards my mind. my mind is horrible, it shows me mental pictures of us in vile situations… and i push the thoughts out before they become reality, but they make me feel so flustered. every time im with him, i slur my words, my heart pounds, and my arms shake. and when he does the triangle method, god.. i fold. he does shit to my mind. my eejit mind.