phoenix’s diary

ever since i broke up with him, ive been thinking of him. how the fuck does this make sense? i look for him in the hallway at school, and at lunch, i cant help but look at him. it pisses me the fuck off. i don’t like him, i know that for sure, ive gotten over it, but yet i can’t get the thought of him out my head? its so fucking weird. i find myself thinking of him when i look at myself in the mirror, wondering if he’ll find me pretty. it makes my fucking mind rot. i ignore him because i want to get him out my head, atleast in some manner. we’re still friends, which is a little weird to most people including me, but we have far too many mutuals to be enemies, and i don’t do the enemy bullshit. i just find it so weird that i cant stop thinking of him, im moved on.. right?
it’s not like im not moved on, i know i am. it’s mainly the fact (as I’ve stated millions of times) that i cant stop fucking thinking and looking for him. when will the thought of him stop hoarding my brain? will it ever stop? i mean, holy shit, it’s making me go insane. i also find my heart racing when i look at him and he looks back.. and then a million songs race through my mind. i know, what a surprise, i immediately think of music when i see him, oh wow.. but it’s true. the songs aren’t any songs, aswell, they’re melodic fucking masterpiece type songs. the ones that give ya goosebumps n butterflies n shit. it makes me so fucking angry. i hate the fact i cant stop thinking of him and these damn songs. i think of him more now then i did before we broke up. the thought of him swarms my brain like bees in a nest. get the fuck out of my head.

i was the one who broke up with him, yet im feeling love for him still. i hate my mind, i wish i didnt break up with him but it was for the better anyway. i just miss the way he looked at me, his smile, the names he’d call me, how tight he’d hug me, how he was so good with his words, how he’d look me in the eyes with such admiration and affection.. damn it, i really can’t let go of it. i don’t think ill ever be able to move on, i only want him. ill wait for him, ill wait until things can work out between us.