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ive never felt so unsafe and uncomfortable in my house to the point I can’t sleep. until tonight. it’s probably nothing, but im still shaken up. i was on zepeto changing my avatar probably at around 1:15 maybe? i then heard footsteps coming from outside, and thought it was just my imagination, so i ignored it. seconds later, the footsteps still going on, i heard a voice. don’t know what it said, but it said something along the lines of “hey” or “you”. scared the living shit out of me, and i frantically turned off my lights and ran downstairs to make sure the door was locked. i then sat in my moms room for a minute or two because i somehow felt safest in there. i then came back up to my room and locked my windows, not that anyone would climb onto the roof outside them, but yknow, better to be safe than sorry. now, im laying here, listening to music, trying to calm down and get some fucking sleep because ive been lacking it for a couple nights, and i really can’t because i just don’t feel tired and i can’t put down my phone, worried ill have to call emergency services for burglary or something.. idk.. im scared.. i wish i was still on live on zepeto. for some reason, i felt happy on there.. and safe. there’s so much on my mind, and im not able to take it in.
everyone’s heard the words “protect your kids” or something along those lines. the harsh truth is most let that in one ear and out the other. im no one to protest or give ethical parental advice, as i am just a teenage girl speaking her mind on an online blog, but this concerns me thoroughly. it is depressing to see statistics go up on the topic of kids consuming drugs and alcohol. and what shocks me the most is the parents reactions to hearing their kids’ lives are diminishing due to addiction. now, hear me out, im all for respecting privacy and not being watched every second, but how the fuck are some parents oblivious to their own children’s welfare? it’s almost as if they dont care enough to pay attention to their fucking child.
another category of this is kids gaining addiction to screens. if one raises their child strictly on technology and nothing else, it’s no wonder their kids are failing classes and are reading at lower age levels. i understand technology is becoming more prominent in todays society, but it is truly saddening to see kids whining and screaming in public over simply having a device taken away. and then there’s these parent letting their young children use fucking retinol. 7 year old CHILDREN shouldn’t be able to have in reach let alone use makeup and skincare products and cosmetics of any sort that are meant for adults or late teens. there isn’t much to elaborate on that further than what I’ve said, but about the device ordeal, most teachers and pediatricians are concerned about children’s brain development and lack of an attention span. isn’t it fucking obvious? if someone’s kids are allowed to consume hours of short videos via YouTube, than it is scientifically proven to lower their attention span, making them unable to pay attention to one thing for anything more than 5 minutes. this is genuinely concerning, and it will get worse in the future if nobody acts now.
another category of this is kids gaining addiction to screens. if one raises their child strictly on technology and nothing else, it’s no wonder their kids are failing classes and are reading at lower age levels. i understand technology is becoming more prominent in todays society, but it is truly saddening to see kids whining and screaming in public over simply having a device taken away. and then there’s these parent letting their young children use fucking retinol. 7 year old CHILDREN shouldn’t be able to have in reach let alone use makeup and skincare products and cosmetics of any sort that are meant for adults or late teens. there isn’t much to elaborate on that further than what I’ve said, but about the device ordeal, most teachers and pediatricians are concerned about children’s brain development and lack of an attention span. isn’t it fucking obvious? if someone’s kids are allowed to consume hours of short videos via YouTube, than it is scientifically proven to lower their attention span, making them unable to pay attention to one thing for anything more than 5 minutes. this is genuinely concerning, and it will get worse in the future if nobody acts now.
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im in a “relationship” with a guy right now, its unofficial so it doesn’t really count as a relationship, we’re just trying things out. I don’t think it’s going to last another day, we’re both not the type to do a long distance relationship, and since he lives on the other side of the world, we obviously have different time zones, too. I don’t know. im not even over the relationship I got out of almost a month ago, and I was the one who ended it. im such an imbecile. if ares was still here, he’d give me perfect advice. oh, god. why’d you take him from me? he’s the only person I need right now, and he’s gone. anyway, that was off track a little.. I feel so fucking guilty and angry with myself it’s not even funny. do I know what made the gears in my brain say “OOP, let’s break up with him” no. but do I kinda feel like it was the right thing to do? not really. i did it because we were both struggling with mental shit (still are, obviously) and I felt like I was too much for him. it’s nowhere near his fault, it’s all on me. he treated me the best out of everyone I’ve had before, and I couldn’t treat him with the same, I couldn’t love him the same way he loved me, not that I didn’t love him because, man, I really loved him.. and I kinda still do, but idk. maybe it’ll work in the future, but at this rate, I don’t think I want to date anymore. fuck teenage love, fuck life, and especially fuck trust.
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he wants me, he even told me it. the thing is, im not even half moved on from my previous relationship. its quite pathetic of me to dwell on a break up i caused myself, but i cant help but to think about my ex while i make a decision of getting into a relationship with another guy. i like this guy, but i still love my ex. it was for the best that we’re ended, but it pains me to remember how i ended it. i feel like an imbecile for even considering moving on at this point in time, its barely been 2 weeks (i think). maybe its time for me to just move on and forget it. i cant undo what ive already done, and what I did was for the better. if I do end up getting into the relationship with the other guy, it won’t last long. we both can’t do long distance, and I probably won’t feel the same. id chased my ex for months before we started dating, and this guy id known since i was a kid, so he’s like a brother to me. I don’t know what to do. maybe me and this guy can be friends with benefits. atleast until i get things sorted.
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lord, I beg you. please don’t take my Grampy away like you took my Grammy. he deserves to live on for Grammy, that’s what she would’ve wanted. I don’t ever get to see him since Grammy passed, and that’s already too much. please, don’t take him away. hes all that’s left. please, god. please. let him be okay. let him be safe and live happily. i can’t stand seeing him hurt let alone dead. lord, i know you hear me. let him stay, please.
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im not going to continue to pretend everything is okay when it’s not. I don’t want to come off as an attention seeker, but i just can’t mask any of my anger and hostility anymore. I despise having to stare at my own reflection in the morning and smile until it’s perfect. God, I fucking hate pretending. No, im not okay. However, I really don’t want help. It’s an odd situation.
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i was the one who broke up with him, yet im feeling love for him still. i hate my mind, i wish i didnt break up with him but it was for the better anyway. i just miss the way he looked at me, his smile, the names he’d call me, how tight he’d hug me, how he was so good with his words, how he’d look me in the eyes with such admiration and affection.. damn it, i really can’t let go of it. i don’t think ill ever be able to move on, i only want him. ill wait for him, ill wait until things can work out between us.
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I took time to rewrite my story. I decided to restart, to get out of my relationship to focus on myself, though I still love him a lot. I decided to change my workout routine, to practice smiling, and to focus on studies and music. I’m giving life one more chance. I do admit, if I wasn’t so cowardly, I would have ended it already, but my soft ass always thinks about my friends as I’m attempting. I don’t think it would have been too bad if I just did it, but I’m glad I chose not to. I’m glad I’m giving life its last chance.
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i feel as if my heart is empty,
just an endless pit of eternal nothingness.
every day repeats itself,
but, this one was different.
this one felt peculiar.
in this one, i realize just how emotionless i truly am.
i realized this past couple of months, my feelings have been fake.
and the myriad times suicide has crossed my mind.
i have no reason to be this way, either.
my life isn’t all that great, but isn’t anywhere near horrible.
maybe I’m insane, but it’s going to be okay, right?
that’s what they all say.
maybe if I just end it all the numbness will heal.
just an endless pit of eternal nothingness.
every day repeats itself,
but, this one was different.
this one felt peculiar.
in this one, i realize just how emotionless i truly am.
i realized this past couple of months, my feelings have been fake.
and the myriad times suicide has crossed my mind.
i have no reason to be this way, either.
my life isn’t all that great, but isn’t anywhere near horrible.
maybe I’m insane, but it’s going to be okay, right?
that’s what they all say.
maybe if I just end it all the numbness will heal.
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the most energetic and sweet lab I know, Livy you make everyone’s day better by just being beside them. you don’t deserve cancer, you deserve the world.. you deserve happiness and eternal love. I pray god will be by your side to protect you in heaven, and that you feel no more pain. I love you, sweet baby.
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As I lie there, my skin exposed, my thoughts replay the sinful things I had just witnessed. His face was so lustful, he knew what he was doing. He heard my screams, he kept going. I will never forgive him for the disgusting things he did to me. I feel so dirty, so sinful, I need to shower, to wash my sins off my body. If I do, I fear it won’t be enough.
His hands were so forceful, and his large body was so heavy directly on mine, his skin felt so gritty and his eyes were locked on mine. I cried for help, he used one hand to cover my mouth, the other lay on my hip. His breath reeked of alcohol, which was so intoxicating to even breathe. The thought of him being drunk only made the situation worse, he was drunk and had cruel intentions.
I’m a child, he knows very well I’m underage, and that didn’t stop him. The clothes I wore that day are ruined, covered in blood, and my jeans are ripped. My hair was done so nicely that day, my side part was on point, my hair was pink straight, and so shiny. My eyeliner was perfectly done, hell, I looked like Avril Lavigne with brown hair. He ruined my looks.
I felt so beautiful before that, now I feel so ugly. My body is ugly, my face is ugly, I can’t put effort into my makeup anymore. Im breaking out, my skin is pale, and I can’t eat. I haven’t seen him since, but I sure hope he’s ashamed. I hope he dies in the most gruesome way possible. I hope my image scars his dirty brain and he just dies.
My body is so weak. I can barely walk, that’s what he wanted. With every push that night, he’d swear at me. My name that night was “love” or “slut”. Complete opposites. I hate those names now, I hate my own name. Anything he’s said to me are phrases I hate. I want nothing to do with him, and I’m so glad he’s gone, not in jail, yet.
He ruined me, he knows he ruined me. He made me give everything to him and more. I’ve given him too much of myself. I just want to be the person I was before that day.
His hands were so forceful, and his large body was so heavy directly on mine, his skin felt so gritty and his eyes were locked on mine. I cried for help, he used one hand to cover my mouth, the other lay on my hip. His breath reeked of alcohol, which was so intoxicating to even breathe. The thought of him being drunk only made the situation worse, he was drunk and had cruel intentions.
I’m a child, he knows very well I’m underage, and that didn’t stop him. The clothes I wore that day are ruined, covered in blood, and my jeans are ripped. My hair was done so nicely that day, my side part was on point, my hair was pink straight, and so shiny. My eyeliner was perfectly done, hell, I looked like Avril Lavigne with brown hair. He ruined my looks.
I felt so beautiful before that, now I feel so ugly. My body is ugly, my face is ugly, I can’t put effort into my makeup anymore. Im breaking out, my skin is pale, and I can’t eat. I haven’t seen him since, but I sure hope he’s ashamed. I hope he dies in the most gruesome way possible. I hope my image scars his dirty brain and he just dies.
My body is so weak. I can barely walk, that’s what he wanted. With every push that night, he’d swear at me. My name that night was “love” or “slut”. Complete opposites. I hate those names now, I hate my own name. Anything he’s said to me are phrases I hate. I want nothing to do with him, and I’m so glad he’s gone, not in jail, yet.
He ruined me, he knows he ruined me. He made me give everything to him and more. I’ve given him too much of myself. I just want to be the person I was before that day.
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his heart fluttered with joy the second she walked in. he ran to hug her and laid a gentle kiss on her cheek. “I love you, amélie.” he whispered to her. she pushed him away and stomped up the stairs, leaving him confused. he was so confused as to why she pushed him away, and why the push was so forceful and wrathful. a tear rolls down his cheek and a sob just merely leaves his mouth.
for that whole day she pushed him away, she didn’t show him affection and didn’t want anything to do with him. he was heartbroken. he really had no idea what he did to her, after all, she had just came back from a 7 month trip. he asked her about the trip, what beautiful sights she’d seen, but no answer came out. it was just a sigh.
“amélie?” he whispered to his sleeping wife. “can we please talk?” he sniffles into her shoulder. “god dammit, I love you!” he says a little louder and wraps his arms around her waist. he silently cried into her back for hours, and she stayed awake, listening to his cries.
in the early morning, as the sun rises, he wakes up to sizzling sounds and the strong smell of bacon. he rises from bed and begins to walk downstairs. by the time he is down stairs, she is seen in the kitchen holding out a plate full of breakfast to an unknown man at the table, she smiles sweetly, and his heart drops. “amélie..” he muttered. she didn’t answer. he runs back upstairs and grabs a rope, that heavy duty one he got in plans of making a swing for amélie. he clutches his hand harder on it, and lets go, falling to the floor, crying. “god, why won’t she love me?”
each day, amélie gets closer to this guy, who later addresses his name, bill.
he gets out of bed in the early hours, before sunrise. it is 03:00 and as he leaves the room, he sees bill and amélie horizontal on the couch. without hesitation, he runs upstairs, grabs the rope, and ties his neck around it. he chokes loudly as he dangles from the ceiling, but it seems his sounds were unheard.
for that whole day she pushed him away, she didn’t show him affection and didn’t want anything to do with him. he was heartbroken. he really had no idea what he did to her, after all, she had just came back from a 7 month trip. he asked her about the trip, what beautiful sights she’d seen, but no answer came out. it was just a sigh.
“amélie?” he whispered to his sleeping wife. “can we please talk?” he sniffles into her shoulder. “god dammit, I love you!” he says a little louder and wraps his arms around her waist. he silently cried into her back for hours, and she stayed awake, listening to his cries.
in the early morning, as the sun rises, he wakes up to sizzling sounds and the strong smell of bacon. he rises from bed and begins to walk downstairs. by the time he is down stairs, she is seen in the kitchen holding out a plate full of breakfast to an unknown man at the table, she smiles sweetly, and his heart drops. “amélie..” he muttered. she didn’t answer. he runs back upstairs and grabs a rope, that heavy duty one he got in plans of making a swing for amélie. he clutches his hand harder on it, and lets go, falling to the floor, crying. “god, why won’t she love me?”
each day, amélie gets closer to this guy, who later addresses his name, bill.
he gets out of bed in the early hours, before sunrise. it is 03:00 and as he leaves the room, he sees bill and amélie horizontal on the couch. without hesitation, he runs upstairs, grabs the rope, and ties his neck around it. he chokes loudly as he dangles from the ceiling, but it seems his sounds were unheard.
I love my boyfriend with all my heart, but I feel like he doesn’t feel the same, and it’s my fault. I treat him terribly.. I just want him to be happy and I can’t even make that happen. I’ve been crying for the past like hour because I feel so bad about it. God, what do i do?
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Music is the only therapy I need, it’s so fucking good all the time and gets me thru the day better than any person can, I love music with my whole body and soul. I would sell both of my fucking kidneys for music. The only time I’m not listening to music is at school for obvious reasons, but if I am in a good place to be listening to music in school, I most certainly will take any opportunity for music. I really hope anybody I meet or have met knows I love music more than them.. well maybe I love my boyfriend more than music but still.
I opened up to two different school counselors (my grade level one and the crisis counselor) about my mental health, and they sent me home. I was very overwhelmed because the original plan was to go to the hospital, but instead I went home and we called for therapy. So, yeah I start that tomorrow I think? And right now my reflux is flaring up, but I feel a tad calmer at the moment.
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at this point, I feel as if every day is a repetition of the last, and it will keep repeating until my heart stops and I lose the spark in my eyes. I love god, I just really wish he’d help me right now.
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I’m seeing lights, I’m shivering, I’m sweating, I hear noises (could be from my music but still), I’m sweating, my heart is racing which could just be my heart palps, I swear I feel something touching my back, even though I’m laying down on my bed. I think I’m going insane.
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Every fucking day i get bombarded with messages from my ex friend. She harasses me every day, and i block her multiple times, but she finds a way around it. She simply gets another number. She uses a 2nd number app. What the fuck did i do to deserve this? When we were friends, id vent to her a lot, sure, but its because i was in a deep state of depression, and simply had nobody else to communicate with me about those types of things.
I remember, one random day i was talking to her, and i guess something in her psychotic brain just decided to make shit out of me and start confessing that she was tired of me “bitching”. Like damn, im sorry for having someone to trust? She said i was bothering her tons. What i dont understand is if i was bothering her so much, why didnt she just be the bigger fucking person and tell me? If me talking about my genuine problems made her so fucking insane, why couldnt she tell me? i stated multiple times that if i was annoying her, she could tell me, and I wouldn’t be mad, and she reassured me I wasn’t annoying her so what the fuck?
I’m not usually one to get so pissed off over things like this, but the best part comes next. You see, we stop being friends for good after she tells me she wishes i could die, and any normal person would think she’d just leave me alone after that, since i pissed her off so much. Nah, i guess i pissed her off so much she decided to do the same thing back to me. However, she not only messaged me on different numbers, but also decided to sms my boyfriend. Then proceeded to try and manipulate him which was a shit move because he knew what was going on and sent me screenshots, and we blocked her. She gets about 10 million more numbers and does the same thing even to this day. Keep in mind, this started MONTHS ago.
I have no clue what kind of sociopath she is, but this bitch keeps going. She tried whining to my best friend like that would do her any good. For crying out loud shes desperate for attention at this point. I dont normally have the energy to hold a grudge against people, because everyone is going thru their own shit and sometimes act out on it, but holy shit this woman never fails to make my blood boil. I mean, what a fucking imbecile. If this is how 2025 is going down, im fucking quitting.
I remember, one random day i was talking to her, and i guess something in her psychotic brain just decided to make shit out of me and start confessing that she was tired of me “bitching”. Like damn, im sorry for having someone to trust? She said i was bothering her tons. What i dont understand is if i was bothering her so much, why didnt she just be the bigger fucking person and tell me? If me talking about my genuine problems made her so fucking insane, why couldnt she tell me? i stated multiple times that if i was annoying her, she could tell me, and I wouldn’t be mad, and she reassured me I wasn’t annoying her so what the fuck?
I’m not usually one to get so pissed off over things like this, but the best part comes next. You see, we stop being friends for good after she tells me she wishes i could die, and any normal person would think she’d just leave me alone after that, since i pissed her off so much. Nah, i guess i pissed her off so much she decided to do the same thing back to me. However, she not only messaged me on different numbers, but also decided to sms my boyfriend. Then proceeded to try and manipulate him which was a shit move because he knew what was going on and sent me screenshots, and we blocked her. She gets about 10 million more numbers and does the same thing even to this day. Keep in mind, this started MONTHS ago.
I have no clue what kind of sociopath she is, but this bitch keeps going. She tried whining to my best friend like that would do her any good. For crying out loud shes desperate for attention at this point. I dont normally have the energy to hold a grudge against people, because everyone is going thru their own shit and sometimes act out on it, but holy shit this woman never fails to make my blood boil. I mean, what a fucking imbecile. If this is how 2025 is going down, im fucking quitting.
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The shivers crept hastily down her spine as the voices become louder,
The music blares in her ears as she tries to drown out her mother's screams.
What's it for?
Nothing will change,
Nothing will make sense,
and her beloved eyes will be ridden with the loss of innocence.
What she had to endure that night,
it felt like an exorcism.
Her mother screams for her.
She can't answer,
she lives afraid,
in fear of that night she was abused.
The music blares in her ears as she tries to drown out her mother's screams.
What's it for?
Nothing will change,
Nothing will make sense,
and her beloved eyes will be ridden with the loss of innocence.
What she had to endure that night,
it felt like an exorcism.
Her mother screams for her.
She can't answer,
she lives afraid,
in fear of that night she was abused.
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