i don't feel real

derealization has been very present in my life. however, recently, it's gotten so bad, i can hardly get up in the morning without feeling surreal. sometimes, i just don't feel real at all. everything feels like a fever dream. could this feeling possibly be getting worse because of my hallucinations and anemia? probably. to be candid, i haven't been taking my iron as much as i need to. i'd only taken it twice since i got my new bottle. i mean, i forget to take them sometimes, but, honestly, most days, i just don't feel like taking them. i kind of enjoy the feeling of fainting. it gives me an excuse to distance myself from the world. that's how i like it. what i don't like about it is the fact i can hardly get up from my bed because i know i'll faint. this morning, it took me nearly ten minutes to stand up without collapsing. i know, it's not a great thing to admit, but i really don't want to take my iron. i'd kinda stopped taking all of my medication, and i can feel it slowly making me go insane. oh, and on top of all this, my hallucinations are even worse. now, the images haven't gotten too much worse, but they're more frequent. they've also evolved to being concurrent; i see multiple things at once sometimes. god, i really don't feel real. everything around me looks like it's from the eyes of a dream. it could very well be my eyes playing tricks on me, though.

i'd taken a nap earlier to run away from my problems, and the things i saw were.. odd, to say the least. when i say i saw things, i don't mean i dreamt, more like i was having visions. for one moment, i saw someone clawing their way out of a coffin, then i saw two people kissing, but the girl looked like she had thorns wrapped around her neck, stabbing her skin with blood slowly seeping out. what bothers me the most about that one is the girl appeared to be someone who had previously tried to steal my boyfriend from me. i couldn't see the guys face, though. i assume maybe it was her boyfriend, which i'd found out the name of earlier today. she's now dating a guy i was REALLY close with in 6th grade. though, he was expelled from school at the end of 6th grade for a year. haven't seen him since. i find it crazy he hasn't come back yet, honestly.

those were the only things i remember seeing while i slept. i mean, i'd only slept maybe an hour. just, i can't help but think the boy i saw kissing that girl (let's call her stella) was my boyfriend. i know he's loyal, but the trust issues i have are making me kind of dwell on the thought. however, i know he wouldn't cheat on me. he's not like the others. about the person clawing their way from the coffin? no idea who that was. i believe that was some sort of subtle reference to a different topic. i don't know. i have no idea what's been going on with me lately. maybe i should take my meds.